Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Wild Turkey couldn't drag me away


I suspect that on this day, everyone’s writing posts about those things for which they are thankful. Being a frequently childish potty-mouthed contrarian, I have of course decided to tell you what I am NOT thankful for:

Idiots like Jonah Goldberg, who HAS HIS OWN SYNDICATED COLUMN in which he argues trivial nonsense such as: Obama is a hypocrite for sending his children to private school. Now, according to Goldberg, Republicans who send their children to private school are not hypocrites, because they support giving themselves a tax credit for doing so. Obama, on the other hand, is a hypocrite, because he does not support having the federal government subsidize what his family can well afford on their own.

The last time I heard logic that tortured, it was standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier with a big banner behind it that said “Mission Accomplished.”

More than the fact that I don’t see why I should subsidize private education when I already subsidize public education, there is a more important issue at stake here, and that is that many private schools are also religious schools.

So, by using government funds to support religious education, we would be violating that pesky separation of church and state bit of our constitution, yes, but we would also be funding the subjugation of women, gays, atheists, etc., much of which is preached, perpetuated & supported by organized religion.

And I’m against that. I have the temerity to believe it to be anti-American.

Funny, thing, though, about that whole church/state separation deal. We have largely evangelical Christians to thank for it.

Yes, contrary to popular belief, the US did not adopt the separation because Franklin was a randy old atheist with a beef against Puritans (he was not an atheist), or because Jefferson was a minor deity with a gift of foresight so powerful that he could predict the rise of secret Muslim presidential candidates. We adopted the separation because for over a hundred years, we’d tried our hand at official state religion, and had failed miserably at it.

As the colonies were established, official religions were established for that colony. Congregationalists flourished in the north (think Pilgrims), and the Anglican church in the southern colonies. Residents of those colonies who preached other than officially sanctioned religious beliefs were persecuted, banished, and even executed. Mary Dyer, one of many condemned for her religion, was put to death right on Boston Common for the crime of being a Quaker. A Quaker! What have Quakers ever done to anyone, ever, except shill for nutritious hot breakfast cereals, and found a state known chiefly for its fascistic approach to steak sandwiches? Quakers are the winners of the Miss Congeniality Award for Christian sects for, like, the last two hundred years straight.

Those colonial religious affiliations survived the transition to statehood, and became the bane of American upstart sects like the Baptists and Evangelicals. Those sects then backed political candidates like James Madison, who promised that they would support a Bill of Rights in our Constitution with a giant “no government support of religion” written in Founding Father Condensed Extra Bold right across the top.

But the best part was, it wasn’t merely self-preservation that motivated them. The Evangelicals also believed – get this! – that everyone has a personal relationship to the Almighty, and that God does not speak primarily through the clergy, but through everyone, and he most certainly did not require the support of a government to flourish; in fact, quite the opposite. The Evangelicals believed that the separation of church and state would, encourage, yes, I said encourage religion in the United States.

And apparently, they were correct. Because we are, collectively, one giant God-fearing mamajamma up in here. So, congratulations on your foresight, oh Jesus freaks, otherwise, without the separation, Kennedy would’ve had us all worshiping the guy in the beanie who thinks that pro-choice voters should be excommunicated, while child molesters get the get out of hell free card. Without your wisdom, President-elect Obama would right now no doubt be planning the massive conversion of public schools to madrasahs, churches to mosques, and the Washington Monument into the world’s most phallic minaret. And that’s saying something.

But I don’t understand why you have abandoned your past wise counsel, and now seek to establish yourselves as a state-sanctioned set of beliefs. Unless…could it be…that you forsee your own eventual demise, à la Old Europe, by forcing your dogma upon the populace by taking over government and passing legislation that curtails freedoms but conforms to church teachings? And that you predict that you will fade in power, and become governmentally irrelevant, like the Church of England, and that you wish to force your hand in order to hasten your own dwindling influence?

If that’s the case, man, bring it, as they say, on. If we’re going to pick an official religion for the United States, I want something hard core. No Lutherans or Presbyterians allowed; I demand a far-right inflexible hate-based exclusionary LDS or Evangelical Pentacostal religion, man, because I am SO down for the shitstorm of world rebuke and internal rebellion that would then be visited upon us. I am so ready to be a full-on William Ayersian soldier in that fight. I am so ready to have it out man, and let’s once and for all establish, without a doubt, what a bunch of fucking childish and pathetic idiots we all truly are.

Happy Thanksgiving!

19 comments:

Spooney said...

Those pics are so historically accurate. The puritan women dressed just like that & times were so hard that they were forced to eat rubber chickens.
Great post, once again, baby.

SkylersDad said...

Two lines in here just floored me:

"The last time I heard logic that tortured, it was standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier with a big banner behind it that said “Mission Accomplished.”"

-and

"written in Founding Father Condensed Extra Bold right across the top"

Pure gold Vikki!

Have a very Happy Long Weekend.

Bubs said...

Thanks for a healthy dose of reality, thrown right in my face with good humor. Refreshing!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Distributorcap said...

first - happy thanksgiving
second - it would be a very happy thanksgiving if jonah goldberg were exiled to somalia or diego garcia

third -- great great post --- you never cease to amaze me with your knowledge and your flair to write about anything

Dad E said...

Sen Lieberman has said, "that the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion, not freedom from religion", again showing what a doofus he is. How can someone be so wrong all the time? People that run for Congress ought have to pass a test

http://ffrf.org/quiz/ffrfquiz.php

on the Constitution so they will understand what they swear to uphold.

Freedom FROM religion is one of our constitutional rights. It's that simple.

Dad E said...

Can't resist adding this--

Even Jesus Was Against School Prayer
"Thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men...
"But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret." - Matt. 6:5-6

kirby said...

Imagine a nation of snake handlers. No one would mess with us!

Jess said...

I don't get the whole separation of church & state thing. I mean, doesn't the government GIVE MONEY to churches and other religious groups? How is that separate? It's always pissed me off that a) the whole point of establishing this country (from what I understand) was "freedom of religion," and b) that my tax dollars are going towards religious groups. The whole separation of church & state is complete bullshit. State-run agencies close down on Christmas for, ahem, chrissakes!

I guess the point I'm trying to make, Vikki, is if you like it than you better put a ring on it.

Jess said...

Also? Yesterday at my company's potluck? The HR person had us all stop eating so that she could SAY A PRAYER! She asked the father to bless us and gave thanks to Jesus!! As I looked around at all the bowed heads, all I could think was "I'm in Texas. Dear god, I'M IN TEXAS!"

At least we didn't have to go around the table and say what we gave thanks for. I actually prefer the prayer to that!

Lisa said...

Nice post.

I always like to start my Thanksgiving by playing this little po-em from Uncle Bill:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7_MYrVzU-Y

Megan said...

I'm thankful I've been privy to your incredible wit and wisdom for the last 2+ years.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and Spooney!

Some Guy said...

That last comment was from me, by the way. I'm using Megan's computer. I'm sure she feels the same.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

"Idiots like Jonah Goldberg, who HAS HIS OWN SYNDICATED COLUMN..."

Again, nobody has a rational explanation why he has a job.

Ditto for Bill Kristol.

SFNative said...

"What have Quakers ever done to anyone, ever, except shill for nutritious hot breakfast cereals, and found a state known chiefly for its fascistic approach to steak sandwiches?"

Well, they did give us Nixon.

I'm just saying, is all.

dguzman said...

I wanna fight on your side, Vik.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Spooney: I knew you would appreciate "Sexy Pilgrim" costume.

SkyDad: Ah, typeface jokes. The geeks love 'em.

Bubs: Hm, no one's ever accused me of being realistic before. Interesting.

DCap: RE: Jonah G. You know, I don't mind a different point of view, except when it's an idiotic one.

DadE: In case Senator Lieberman is out there googling himself, this is for his reference: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Kirby: Yeah, and since we'd be babbling in some made-up "tongues," they would have no idea what we're talking about, either. Awesome.

Jess: Well, the government is not supposed to be giving money to religious groups, although of course thanks to W and his "faith-based" initiatives that whole rule pretty much went to hell. Isn't it enough that they don't have to pay taxes? I bet we could take a nice chunk out of the federal debt just by taxing the holdings of the Catholic church, for one. They hold prime real estate in many large metro areas.

And your HR PERSON did that??? HR people are supposed to be the ones telling other people not to do that.

Lisa: Hey thanks. I saw that the year it was made and haven't seen it since. Yay.

SomeG: I am thankful for loyal readers like you.

Randy: Oh, don't get me started. It drives me nuts, is what.

SFN: I knew someone would bring up Nixon. He was from a weird fundamentalist Quaker sub-sect, though.

DGuz: I want to have you on my side, believe me.

Grant Miller said...

I know someone who knows Jonah. Apparently, he's a douche in real life too. Not just his writing.

kiki said...

ad crocs to the list?

Jess said...

I thought you would get a kick out of this: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c0cf508ff8/prop-8-the-musical-starring-jack-black-john-c-reilly-and-many-more-from-fod-team-jack-black-craig-robinson-john-c-reilly-and-rashida-jones